i just realized, this is a ridiculously titled post to make at three in the morning...

anyway, today my body felt as if it were going to have a power failure.  the generator would stop working and everything would shut down inside with that huge power down sound and i would just collapse to the floor.  it seems like i have been going fairly hard for a while now and a real break is far in the distance. 

this past weekend i opened retail, worked there all day, then immediately went to work the door at the bar during a german beerfest til the wee hours of the morn.  woke up the next morning and did it again.  felt sick, but still went to rehearsal.  opened retail then to rehearsal.  while these things aren't incredibly horrible or taxing, it is still a fact that between the hours of 9am to 2am i don't get a real moment to sit down and just collect.

i have a day off tomorrow or else there is no way i would be up at 3am, but it goes to show you that even when it is so necessary to make the right choice an adjustment i avoid it like the plague.

overall though, things are good.  i'm acting, maintaining a cashflow to cover my expenses, working out, etc...  small things add up from time to time but it's nothing that i can't get through.  eric put it best today on a chicago to new york check in, "we're maintaining while getting hazed by life."  maintaining definitely seems to be the right word for it...

a day off will b welcome tomorrow and i really should use it to finally complete a lot fo things that i need to get done, but i wouldn't consider it a wasted day if it was spent in a pair of basketball shorts on the couch...  until then, finally time for sleep.

shall we?

here's a huge pet peeve of mine: lack of communication.  you combine that with the fact that i am an extremely blunt person and you can get me somewhat riled up or at least annoyed.

a phone call, or in this day and age a text, is so easy to send.  if it lasts ten seconds then it's all good. "hey dude, not gonna make it i have to jet."  that is perfectly fine by me.  "hey dude, not really that interested." also fine by me.  i rather be straightforward and honest than dodge around a situation or leave someone hanging.  it messes with my day or how i think and i shouldn't have to be inconvenienced.

i've cut someone out of my social circle for standing me up before, what's to stop me from doing it again?  at this point i don't know... 

maybe this frustration has come to a head because i had a night off where i actually felt like doing something (this is rare) and got completely stood up.  maybe it's because i am forcing myself to step out of my social comfort zone and ask girls for numbers and i don't get the calls back.  honestly i can count/name all the girls i have asked numbers "randomly" from on one hand.  i don't know how to play suave or when to call and such, so i call and leave a message to hang.  i'm not really that threatening/ugly/weird am i?

...maybe it's the beard...

anyway, to anyone who wants to actually stay in contact with me through the years, here's a tip: stay in contact with me.

simple, right?

no it's not one of those dumb surveys that people make you do, i just wanted to think positive for a while and remind myself of good things.  no i don't understand karma or anything like that, but i'm guessing thinking positive may not be a bad idea.

smells i like:
-after rain
-cakes baking
-leftover perfume from a hug/contact
-soy sauce
-summer day on a lake

words i like (not necessarily the actions/ideas with them, just the sound of the word itself):
-intercourse
-chancellor
-celsius
-porch
-paradigm

sights i like:
-people going nuts for a song choice when djing
-standing ovations
-campfires
-a girl running/jumping onto a guy and wrapping her legs around him (not sexual, fun/love way)
-waves

activities i like:
-intercourse (running joke, get it? see above.. jeez, why do i always have to explain this stuff to you people.)
-bike rides along the lake
-naps outside
-using the silence in acting and using it well
-watching the sunrise with people after a good night out

pretty plain and simple, it's been on my mind lately...

i don't know if i would say it's like a main thing in my life right now, but i've been thinking about it a lot.  it's really hard to explain what exactly has been going through my mind but i'm gonna give it a go.

it's kind of all about the same kind of love in the sense of loving someone romantically, but there are definitely different types/starts of that kind of love and how it happens.  the feeling of being attracted to someone can happen in an instant or take years to develop.  there's that romeo & juliet type love (which i'm playing tybalt in right now, a-thank you very much) where you see someone and you are pretty much instantly attracted to them.  obviously love is quite a huge term to use for that (usually it's more lust) but like in that play, i think it could happen.  then there's the other love where it has only grown with time and it's familiar but exciting all at the same time.  someone who you have a flame for that hasn't extinguished.

i seem to be experiencing these kinds of emotions lately.  it's not like i have a long list of girls i can say i had/have feeling for, but i've just been thinking about them.  some are missed opportunities where you don't know whether or not it would have been great or bad.  some i still pine for the opportunity but things like distance and timing are key (and similar feelings... usually pretty important).  some you want to see where it goes but you don't know how to go about it.

i want to make this entry way more specific than it is, but that's somewhat gotten me in trouble in the past.  so we're going to tell that story instead because i can.  when i moved to california i wasn't all that happy and the journal entries from that time showed it (see: january 2003).  i attended high school there even though i already graduated to see if i could make some friends, play volleyball, sing, act and write for the newspaper.  while there, i met a girl named taylor who was pretty damn amazing and i even got up the courage to ask her for her number.  anyone that knows me that doing something like that is like far and beyond for me.  i'm pretty sure i can count the number of times on one hand i have ever asked a girl for her number.  i take her on one date and have a good time and we discuss a lot of stuff including that i have a journal.  i told her not to read it, she did.  seeing that i wasn't in an awesome place she was a little tweaked and nothing came of us really.  i guess it's all for the better since i moved in two months anyway but just goes to show that you that this thing can be a double edged sword.

i wish i didn't give a crap and just wrote completely and honestly what i wanted about anything and everything (see: skinema by chris nieratko).  maybe i will when i get to a point where i'm more comfortable with all that stuff and maybe know that there won't be as many harsh repercussions (or i don't care if there are). 

man... my writing is a mess right now...  stream of consciousness is ok too though i guess...

more later. ciao.

i need its noises in my ear...

i am pretty sick of winter.  i think i have why i am pining for spring.summer so badly down.  it's my first year in chicago and although i did move here in summer, it didn't last long.  also, i wasn't as settled as i am now and didn't know what to do at that time.  now that i have some friends and know the areas and all that, i want to go out and do stuff.  no one wants to do that in this weather and all i really want to do is hang out on the porch, drink some beers, have some food and laugh it up... it makes me miss madison in a way.

i couldn't sleep tonight.  yeah, i slept late today but i worked all day and can usually get to bed instead of my usual vampires hours i used to keep.  i don't think there is something wrong with me, but i've had the same thought/fantasy/daydream over and over again of reliving my whole life with the knowledge i have now.  it's not regret that makes me think this, i think it's just missed opportunity or wanting to improve myself earlier.  like i would pick up the bass at a young age and maybe invest in google so i could just have cash to be secure in life.  i rarely think of anything lavish, but it's what kept me up tonight and it's kind of bothersome.

things have been going pretty well though overall.  i finally am acting in chicago!  it was actually a kind of weird couple of days.  i went to an audition on sunday and didn't think i did all that well and that the director didn't care for me much, but later that day she cast me in the series of one acts.  i would have gladly taken them, but i had an audition the next day for two shakespeare plays that offered a bit of pay and didn't expect to hear back so fast.  so after telling them to hold their horses, i audition for those and end up getting cast in both plays!  so technically, in two days i was cast in three (maybe four depending on the other play series) plays!  i had been pretty dormant in auditioning and my first two of the new year i got cast.  it makes me happy and now i have something to work on until may.  in a perfect world, i'll hear in march from texas shakespeare that i got in and will do my plays here until mid-may and go to texas/china from may-september.  oh what a world that would be.

the only thing now is to replace my bass gear and i'll be sitting pretty...  c'mon karma train, keep on a-rollin' this way...

if you don't know the phrase, it refers to the show happy days when the fonz jumps the shark on his motorcycle and then everything after that went pretty downhill for the series. 

right now, i'm using it as a transitional phrase and in a positive way mainly because i think jumping sharks is pretty fucking cool...

this is the first year where i actually look at the new year holiday as the marker for something.  i used to think of my years in the way school defined them.  my year technically started in august or so at the beginning of the school year and ended at the end of "my senior year" summer.  this time, i don't have any markers like that.  when you graduate from college, there are no more markers for finishing anything.  your past any age that matters (besides 25 where you can rent a car), your job doesn't give you any timeline really, and life pretty much is constant until you call it quits.  so the new year is actually the only marker i have now and i am going to use it.

since 2007 ended so badly (all my music equipment got stolen if you haven't heard me bitch about it enough yet) i am determined to make 2008 a whole lot better.  good things have already happened a bit.  i got an ampeg 6x10 with a cover for really cheap, which is what i always wanted for bass anyway.  the big thing is i was able to move out of my house in lincoln and move in with eric in logan.  it would have been awesome to have both eric and kevin here but i guess it wouldn't have happened unless kevin left and i like everyone else just the same. 

besides that, little things are going to get better.  jackson just moved to the city, so that's one more person i know with more coming in the future (sam, bear, hopefully some more).  work has been going well and i got in good with the regional manager so maybe that will open some doors for me.  i don't like to make new years resolutions, and i don't have a good reason why, but i am using the new year as a jumping off point.  a few things that i am planning to do this year.

-save more money by making smart decisions
   -ride my bike to work
   -don't  eat at restaurants/buy groceries
   -sell stuff i don't need/don't buy things like them again
-take new headshots and get my acting organized and going
-write more songs myself and contribute to the band
-do the stand up thing and continue to write ideas
-be more confident since there's no reason for me not to be
-work out

so far, i have started to work out again and the sore muscles feel good.  i miss being in great shape like i was in high school and now that i'm out of college i am so less active than i used to be.  fortunately, eric plays in a few leagues for stuff so i will be playing floor hockey through the winter and baseball in the summer if all pans out.  i'll be selling off a lot of my old clothes and possibly my dj stuff since it doesn't look like i'll be doing much of that down here.  songs have been coming a little more easy, but i don't have an acoustic so writing will be hard until then.  more and more things are coming but i still have to do things to make them all work. 

so there's my new years post.  things are going to be better because i'm saying they're going to be better.  i've had the fate/destiny conversation with people but i still hate the idea i'm not in control of my own life.  some things are out of my control, yes, but i am taking one of my dad's sayings to heart: "only you can dictate how you feel, not other people."  so that's the goal.  things are going to be good because i am going to make them good.

so there 2008, you're not sucking, because i said so...

bitch.

i'm asking this of my feelings/emotions...

it's weird, probably the worst thing outside of my mom getting breast cancer has happened to me and i don't feel anything really.  i don't know, i may still be in shock but i doubt it.

while the pullman strike was in detroit our trailer got completely stolen off the back of my car and all of our music equipment went along for the ride.  that's thousands and thousands of dollars in equipment that just went poof.  all of my bass gear that i have spent mywhole life working towards is completely gone. years of work and finding the right combo of stuff and spending money and birthday gifts and christmas gift and tour memories and good times are gone.

yet still i don't feel extremely saddened or pissed off... but just blank... and i think that's worse...

the sad thing is that i don't think things are going to get any better soon.

i'm not saying that because i have a bleak outlook on life or something, i just have this irked premonition that things are still going to go downhill before they get any better.  like i have to hid cold hard rock bottom before i start to crawl back up again.

i somehow don't think i'll be able to move
i won't be able to afford new bass stuff
i now have to decide whether or not to get new headshots
i have to decide if i am even going to pursue acting

i think i have lost all my drive and desire and am going through the motions.  this is definitely not how i wanted to enter the new year.

still, i hope this finds you in better spirits than i and i hope you bring in the new year with loved ones and champagne.
i'm more resolved to sit here alone with a glass of whiskey on ice instead.

how many people could actually pick up their entire life and go somewhere else?
what would make you do something like that?

i'm not saying i'm thinking about doing that right now, but i think the possibility is definitely there.  right now, i am trying to work it out so that i can move from my apartment in lincoln square to one down in logan square.  it's really a financial decision since i really don't dislike living where i am living now, but there are definitely things that would improve.

- closer to work, so close i could ride my bike
- close to blue line, could take that to work or the city as well
- no utilities except cable which is nothing
- a tiny bit cheaper rent
- close to the practice space
- i'd be living with eric which is where i hang out most anyway
- still free parking

the list could go on and on and give me small little reasons to move there instead of staying here.  of course there's the obstacle of renting my room here and actually moving, but if i moved, i would leave a lot of stuff here including furniture and dishes, so packing would be pretty light.

yet that's not the grand scheme of things that has been running through my mind as of late.  when i asked what would make you pick up and move somewhere, i kind of already have my answer: people.  there are very few people on this earth i feel strongly for or close to.  i could probably count them on one hand to tell the truth.  but i have to ask myself would i move my life to be closer with them?  i guess it depends.

there's the usual reason people move for someone is because of relationships or romance.  at this point i can think of only two people i could consider myself ever having strong feelings for but neither of them would be "a lock" for lack of a better term.  whether it be because of unavailability or uncertainness, i couldn't just pick up and go and expect a relationship out of it.

another reason would be because of friends.  bear moving down to the city excites me but makes me anxious at the same time because i want him down here already!  i feel like i don't have too many people who know me and who i can talk to seriously anymore, so it would be nice to have him here.  but he's not moving here for me, he's moving because chicago offers him something in terms of acting and whatnot.  i think that would have to be a factor when moving with friends.  while it would be nice to say "hey! let's move to boise, idaho next month" that really doesn't offer much to enrich my life.  i could, however, see myself just picking up and going to new york in a year or so because i could.  i would have a great city, some friends to hang with when needed, and opportunities galore. 

the third reason is the one that i think not too many people take because they're scared and that reason simply is just because.  i had a friend who wanted to move out of milwaukee and get away and start anew, but said she couldn't because she had an apartment and a job and yadda yadda yadda.  well sublet your apartment, transfer your job to the new city or quit and just go!  i found and apartment in chicago and came down with some savings and nothing else.  i could do it again in a heartbeat if i put my mind to it, but it bugs me when people say "i can't" when they really truly can. 

this has really been a huge tangent more brought on by the new apartment option and missing certain people, but a tangent is still fun to write.  i think i'm just feeling restless and want to go do things i want to do instead of things i'm supposed to do.  not have to do, supposed to do.  that's a whole different tangent, but you get my drift.

where will i be five years from now?
other than celebrating the five year anniversary of me writing this question?
as the signed andrew wk poster above my bed reads:

who knows?

ok kevin & nick, following suit...

i'm frustrated.
i'm frustrated with myself.
i'm frustrated with other people.
i'm frustrated with the state of the world around me.

i'm still mostly frustrated with myself...

myself:
i feel like an asshole today.  i fucked over a friend by being irresponsible and missing my alarm.  i was supposed to go in and help kevin on a project he needed me for two days ago that i couldn't go do because i was a forgetful ass and promised to do it when i had something else i had to go to.  so my making it up to him is saying i would come in today instead and then i proceeded to sleep on the couch no where near my alarm and sleep too late and not go in.  kevin, if you're reading this, i'm truly fucking sorry and i don't think i can say it enough to make me dicking you over better.  i'm embarrassed.

myself/other people:
so i am stubborn and have an ego, i know this, but sometimes when i realize this and i am still stuck on my opinion of something it makes the situation that much worse.  especially when it deals with an opinion.  i don't know how to phrase it right so here's the quick example: if i think something is awesome and someone doesn't feel the same way and i get mad at them for not thinking so.  it's their opinion right?  so i shouldn't get mad.  but due to my stubbornness and ego i feel that i am right and that the other person should go fuck themselves.  it's usually not on such little things but when it is with things i care/feel strongly about i get in this tight chested funk and it pisses me off.  especially if it's something i work hard on.  i don't need someone to negate my feeling of success with a criticism or a different thought, i just want a "good job" and to move on, goddammit.  oh, and i hate being stood up, damn that's a pet peeve.

myself/the world around me
money is a bitch.  it's a fact of life.  i've caught myself having daydreams about what life would be if i had won 50 million dollars.  the thing is that all my daydreams i find myself helping other people with it more than myself.  if i had that kind of money, i would buy out an apartment complex and invite my close friends in chicago to come and live there.  tangent: they would have to pay at least utilities and some of the mortgage or something, to teach them to be at least a little responsible, but the sentiment is still there.  i hate thinking about money.  i feel like it makes me a scrooge or something.  i want a better job to make more money but everything i want to do is a fucking catch 22.  i applied to a perfect copywriter job that i would have been great at but they wanted someone with 3-5 years experience (not stated in their original ad, which just wastes my fucking time) but how does one get that experience if no one gives them a chance.  i just want someone to take a fucking chance on me! 

so there's my bitch fest for the moment.  i just feel aggression today (mostly towards myself) and it's all pent up inside.  this is when i need to perform in my old hardcore band more than ever. 

gah... fuck!
(man i'm eloquent)

goodnight.